Church Humor
 

Does the day to day daily grind take the humor out of your life? Well never fear, we are here to help restore your sense of humor and lighten your day. Life is way too short to not enjoy it, and being happy is good for the soul, and of course if you have Jesus, you should be gloriously happy. Read On! May this bring a smile to your face.

     
 
*DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS?*
 
 Dentist's Hymn
 .........Crown Him with Many Crowns
 
 Weatherman's Hymn
 .........There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
 
 Contractor's Hymn
 .........The Church's One Foundation
 
 The Tailor's Hymn
 .........Holy, Holy, Holy
 
 The Golfer's Hymn
 ........There's a Green Hill Far Away
 The Politician's Hymn
 ........Standing on the Promises!
 
 Optometrist's Hymn
 ........Open My Eyes That I Might See
 
 The Tax Payer's Hymn
 ........I Surrender All
 
 The Gossip's Hymn
 ........Pass It On
 
 The Electrician's Hymn
 ........Send The Light
 
 The Shopper's Hymn
 .........Sweet Bye and Bye
 
 The Realtor's Hymn
 .........I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
 
 The Doctor's Hymn
 .......The Great Physician
 
 AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
 
 55 mph............God Will Take Care of You
 
 75 mph.............Nearer My God To Thee
 
 85 mph.............This World Is Not My Home
 
 95 mph.............Lord, I'm Coming Home
 
 100 mph...........Precious Memories
 
 Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
 Give me the grace to see a joke,
 To get some humor out of life,
 And pass it on to other folks.
 
 
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
 
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.
 
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
 
Just to let you know, we don’t always catch mistakes when we print the bulletin. So there are mistakes from time to time, but hopefully none to this magnitude. Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
 
Traffic Ticket
An 83 year old woman talked herself out of a traffic ticket. Police: “ Why were you going so fast?” Woman: “I was in a hurry to get there before I forgot where I was going.”
 
Wrong address….
A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend’s new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. “Rest In Peace.” He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain. After apologizing, the florist said, “Don’t get so upset. Someone today in this city was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. “Good Luck in Your New Location.”
 
Tips on love, from those who should know. All questions were answered by kids, ages 5-10.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave,8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me" (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
 
Who’s To Blame?
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 ft, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

All this makes as much sense as… If I die parked in front of this computer, Bill Gates is to blame.
 

The Tomato Garden

 An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but was unable to do so because the ground was very hard. His only son, Vincent who used to help him was in prison and unable to help him. He wrote this letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to dig up the garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love Papa. A few days later he received letter from his son. Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden, that’s where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie
At 4:00 AM the next morning the FBI and local police arrived at the old mans home, digging up the whole garden plot, finding no bodies. They apologized to the old gent, and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant those tomatoes now, that’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie
 
HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB ?

Charismatic : Only 1 Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10 One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians : None. Lights will go on and off at predestined time
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5 One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Methodists : Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene : 6 One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans : None Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish : What's a light bulb?
Greek Orthodox: Who needs a light bulb? We have seen the light the true light !
 
One Sunday morning, a pastor announced to his congregation:

"My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons...
a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour,
and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.

"Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."
 
( The following answers were given by elementary school children to the following questions )

"Why Did God Make Mothers?"
Mostly to clean the house. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

"How Did God Make Mothers?"
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

"What Ingredients Are Mother's Made Of ?"
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
He mostly used string I think.

"Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other
Mom?"
We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
 
 
 Theology As Explained By Children

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis, in which Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

The 7th commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'

Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
 
From Doctor To Patient
“Obesity is a symptom of modern technology, Your mouth has a broadband connection to the nutrition superhighway.”
 
Kid’s Say The Cutest Things
My daughter told her 5 year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly the small fry assumed, “Oh, it’s going to the tire-o-practor?”
While shampooing our 4 year old son’s hair, I noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need a haircut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”
 
My Preacher
The six year old daughter of a preacher was sick and was put to bed early. As her mother was about to leave the room the little girl called her back. “Mamma, I want to see my daddy.” The mother replied, “Your daddy is busy, and must not be disturbed.” “But mamma, I want to see my daddy.” “No, your daddy must not be disturbed.” But the little one came back with even more determination. “Mamma,” she declared, “I’m sick and I want to see my preacher.”
 
Count Your Blessings...
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee.” said one. “Yes, I know,” said another “I can’t even pull weeks in my garden, my hands are so crippled” “My cataracts are so bad, I can’t read the paper.” said a third. “What, what, I can’t hear you.” “I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said another, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. “My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” exclaimed a woman. “I forget where I’m going,” chimed in another. “I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. “Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully,” and thank God we are all still able to drive.”
     
Gentle thoughts for today…
Isn’t it nice to know that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The”, and “IRS” together, it spells, “THEIRS ?”

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. Did you know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are XL ?

If you are one to speak your mind, this could be your prayer... “Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder, and your hand over my mouth.” AMEN
     
Bragging On Dads
Three boys were in the school yard bragging about their fathers. “The first boy said, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.” The second boy said, “That’s nothing, My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.” The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes 4 people to collect all the money.”
     
Saying Grace
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying
grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of
the minister of that church, so she started the discussion
by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the
family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids,
it's three dollars a pound!'"
     

Company Signs
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop: Invite us to your next blowout.
A Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

     
Trial Sermon
A young minister preached a trial sermon in a village church, hoping to be called to that pulpit. Later the pulpit committee met with him to question his abilities. Wanting to be sure they would get an educated man, they, with the help of a schoolteacher, had worked up a few special questions to test him. The lead man, with an air of scholarship, began. “Preacher, would you say a hen sets or sits?” The young preacher answered, “I don’t care whether she sits or sets. What I’m interested in is when she cackles, is she laying or lying.” There were no more questions. He got the job.
     
Psalm 23 For Computer Techs
The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart. All of His commands are user friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me. He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and my file will be merged with His and saved forever.
Amen
     
Leaving the church early

" I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the Pastor replied. "It wasn't out of any disrespect to you," insisted the church-goer.
"Fred has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
“A merry heart doth good like a medicine.” Prov. 17:22

     
Communication

After telling the story of Jonah and the whale to her Sunday school class, the teacher decided to quiz them. She asked, “Timmy, what did you learn from this story?” Timmy thought for a minute, then said, “People make whales throw up.”

     
Let Him In

At age two a little girl began to learn all the traditional fairy tales, like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and The Three Little Pigs. Her mother and father taught her the familiar Bible stories as well. The girl’s young mind was like a sponge, and she took all of these in. One day her mother read to her Revelation 3:20. When the mother finished the verse, she asked, “If Jesus is knocking at your heart’s door, will you open the door and let him in?” Without a moments hesitation, the little girl responded, “Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin.”
***************
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application form.

     
Aspects of Aging

One of the most disturbing aspects of aging is the growing inability to recall vitally important information-such as the gross national product of Liberia, the Greek alphabet, and where you put your slippers. This affliction becomes particularly pronounced when you go upstairs to get something. Half-way up, you realize that you have no inkling of what you were going upstairs to fetch. Then-you have to decide whether to go back downstairs and try to remember what you needed, or continue on up and look for something that needs to be brought down. Unable to decide, you sit on the landing only to discover that you have completely forgotten whether you were originally upstairs, going down, or downstairs, going up!

     

Letters to a pastor     Dear Pastor…

 I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8,

 Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.  Age 9, Phoenix

I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give  me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my  allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to              Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9

Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.     Laurie. Age 10,

Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10,

I know I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10,

I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11

     

Story Of Elijah

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah,
the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah
built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it
upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill
four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this
four times - "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me
why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know,
I know!" she said, "to make the gravy!" 

     
Lot's Wife

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
 
     
Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful
little girl broke the silence, "I think I'd throw up."
     
Did Noah Fish?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he,
with just two worms?"
 
     
Higher Power

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a
higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
     
Moses And The Red Sea

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses
behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon
bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed
headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "No, Joey, is that really
what the teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if
I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
 
     
The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the
youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rickey was excited about
the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the
kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Rickey was nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the
microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know."

 
     
Church Smiles:

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments," answered the lady.

Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is
it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign."Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in the
exhaust."

Sunday after church a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
pastor stopped by for tea and Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said, "Don't be afraid; thy comforter is
coming."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the grace to see a joke.
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
 
     
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